It’s not fucking fair. Why do bad things always happen to good people? If there is a god, I’m asking you.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
They don’t deserve it. Not one bit. None of them do. People that are loved more than they could ever begin to conceive, feel alone. People that are so important to so many people find out that they have medical issues that have no treatment available.
They. Don’t. Deserve. It.
Any of it.
Let me take it. Give me the mental disorders, give me the medical issues, give me the constant bullying and abuse, I’ll take it. As long as they don’t have to. I’d take it all away in a heartbeat if I could. Just, just don’t make them have to deal with it. They deserve so much more. They deserve the whole world and more. Those people who are the sun and the moon and the stars, those people that literally make you smile every time you see them. They are so special, so precious, should be protected at all costs.
Yet, bad things happen to good people.
Just because I look happy, doesn’t mean I am.
“Oh, but you used to love all sorts of girly things.”
Doesn’t mean I just don’t know myself.
“You were so happy as a child.”
Doesn’t mean I’m just a depressed teenager.
“But you look so cute in a dress.”
Doesn’t mean I’m just self-conscious.
You don’t understand
Does not mean I can’t be who I am.
Do know myself
And who I am inside
Know I’m unhappy
And things have to change
Am unashamed of myself
And who I want to be
“Hi, I’m Max.”
And that is me.
It’s important to set goals in life. If you don’t know where you’re going, how on Earth can you possibly get there?
For me, I want to take Testosterone.
I was born biologically female, but I’m not a girl. My gender is male. My sex is female.
In order to become externally who I am internally, ideally, I would begin taking T, or Testosterone.
Now, I’ve been doing loads of research on transitioning, because there’s something different about me, that I’ve not found a single other FTM or MTF having at all.
I’ve got Narcolepsy and Cataplexy. For those, I take medications. Every morning I take Adderall XR 15 mg (for narcolepsy) and Sertraline HCL 50 mg (for cataplexy). That being said, I’m not all that sure that it’s safe for me to take T, which is…it’s like being denied the one beacon of hope you have. I did some research on Drugs.com, which I also looked into to make sure it’s a reliable source. It has a drug interactions checker, so I input adderall, sertraline, and testosterone. The results said that they did not have any sort of hindering reactions to each other, but I’m currently in the process of looking into other sources to see what they say.
Going through all this has brought so many questions to mind. It’s fucking scary. What if I can’t ever take T? What if my dad and step-mom disown me and I have to go live with my mom in Colorado? What if I’m rejected from colleges because of my transition? What if I can’t get a job?
What if I’m never able to become who I truly am?
“Everyone is a struggling artist, and life is art.”
-Max Rogers, 2015
Sometimes, I wish I could just *poof* – disappear. When all day long, I’m being called ‘she’ and ‘her’, when I’m not a girl. And it’s not like I can just tell everybody either, I’m from a small community in Oklahoma. Most are okay with the fact that I’m either bi/pan, but gender is a whole different thing. ‘You’re just doing it because you saw it on Tumblr.’ or ‘You just want to be different.’, those are the types of responses I’m both afraid, and sure I’d get. Those whom I’ve asked to call me ‘Max’ instead of my birth name still use female pronouns, because I haven’t asked them to change that yet (small steps), and it’s amazing when I hear my real name being called.
My name is Max, and I am a boy.